This one came from my baby girl. When I asked could she tell me someone who gave gifts, she said ‘fairy godmothers’ so off we go!
We’ve all heard the classic line ‘they lived happily ever after’ and this is very true. For the heroes of the tale.
What of the wish-granters and the wand-wavers? The rungs who our leading men and women step upon as they climb the ladder of merriment?
They are forgotten about in the land of….well no one remembers its name. And they stay that way until they are remembered again….
After The Happily Ever After
A very soggy Saturday night, a trio gathered round a very sticky table at the back of the Skunk and Toad.
The pub was one of those fine establishments where it was safer to wipe your feet on the way out. Local legend had it that since opening it’s filthy doors nearly two hundred years earlier the floors had never actually felt the kiss of a mop. In fact there was enough bacteria embedded in the place that the bar stools could have been weaponised.
The Leprechaun finished his shift and slumped into the snug beside his friends.
“Jaysus there has to be a better way” he said miserably “some arse missed the spit bucket today and it landed on me leg…me leg! I nearly amputated the bleeding thing with a corkscrew!”
The Fairy Godmother shuddered as she unglued her forearm from the table top. She tried her best not to contemplate the brown residue now staining her skin.
“I know Murph” she said as she rubbed her friend on the shoulder “it’s not the nicest place but you’ll find something better soon” Her miniature friend was unconvinced.
“Not the nicest Edith? Have you taken leave of your senses altogether? Billy his wife share the one glass eye!”
Billy was the landlord of the Skunk and Toad. He had a face like a ball of well kneaded dough and a brain to match. Unfortunately for Murph, today was his wife’s turn with the eyeball so Murph spent his shift trying not to retch every time caught a glimpse of the inside of his employers skull.
“Ach I’m sorry Edith” he said “I shouldn’t be taking me misfortune out on yerself. If I could just get me hands on that gold again sure wouldn’t I be out of here in a heartbeat?”
“Ya Allah! Again about the gold!” Exclaimed the Genie “Forget about it fool, that dhahab is long gone, kaput, adios amigo!”
“Oh and what Khalil? Like we’re all not sick to the back teeth of the bleeding Aladdin yarn? Oh boo hoo, my bestest friend left me for a woman, how I miss when we would stay up late brushing each other’s hair! Jaysus how long are ya gonna keep banging on that drum?!”
“Enough!” Interrupted Glinda, the Good Witch Of The North.
“It’s hard times for all of us, ok? I don’t think any of us thought we’d be in this boat but we’re here now, so we might as well make the best of it”
Edith started to weep uncontrollably. Glinda put an arm around her shoulder.
“What’s wrong Edith?” She asked her friend with concern.
“Oh it’s Majella again” she sniffed “I was in the post office this morning and Betty at the the counter told me she’s pregnant. And I had to hear it from the town gossip of all people!”
“Oh Edith, you’re joking” said Glinda as she rummaged in her bag for a tissue.
“That girl always was a brat” said Murph, slapping his pint glass on the table.
He had a tendency to become liberal with his opinions after a quarter pint. Given that he was less than a foot tall the drink didn’t so much go to his head as it shot there like a speeding bullet.
“Would you shut up?” Hissed Glinda, firing him a glance that would’ve turned him to stone if only he weren’t on a roll and too tipsy to notice.
“I’m sorry Edith love but someone has to say it! She always had notions above her station that one. I mean what is with the Cinderella shenanigans? What was wrong with Majella? She must have had that deed poll filed before the ink dried on her marriage certificate. Cinderella O’Doherty….oh aye very regal your highness” he snorted, spraying the already contaminated table with pixie snot.
Edith began sobbing heavily “I just don’t understand, after everything I did for that girl. All the good fortune I bestowed on her, and for what? Not so much as a wedding invite! Not even the evening do! Do you know how many fairies can do a decent glass slipper incantation? None! I’m the last one! And to think she barely gave a backward glance as she went up that aisle….”
“Edith, it has happened to us all my friend” said Khalil “They use us, then they throw us aside like used dish trowels”
“It’s towels you floating moron. You can summon the dead but you still can’t speak decent bleeding English?” Said Murph.
“Listen little man” Khalil retorted “I am Jinn from Arabia, I speak more than 4000 ancient languages, what do you speak? Huh? Drunken hobbit? Imbecile!”
“Oh would someone ever find that bloody lamp you crawled out of and take you off my hands once and for all…”
“Go back to your cereal box cretin…”
The ladies left them to bicker among themselves as they often did. Edith gathered herself and dabbed at her red eyes.
“How’s work going Glinda?”
After Dorothy’s visit, the Emerald City had gone to pot. After the Wizard was exposed, the city enjoyed a brief spell in the spotlight. Alas, after the novelty had worn off, the tourist trade gradually came to an end and most of the Munchkins sold their land to Ikea who promptly erected a superstore. Addicted to a life of singing, they formed the Lilliputian Yodellers and took their new found cash to L.A. in search of a recording contract.
Sadly there was a handful of tone deaf souls who in desperation, turned to a life of crime. They soon became known as the Baby Faced Bandits, and regularly pillaged remote cottages in the woods. Despite their infamy they dropped off the radar a few months ago. Glinda had heard rumours about an old lady and a gingerbread house but she wasn’t one to gossip.
To make ends meet Glinda was now singing in a gentleman’s club six night a week.
“Oh it’s ok, I try to look on the bright side, but it’s not like before at all Edith. I just don’t know how to put in the time.
I was so busy before thwarting my sisters evil deeds I just don’t know what to with myself. Needlepoint in the afternoon just doesn’t have the same zest as floating around in a bubble you know? I think somedays I even miss those monkeys…” she trailed off wistfully, twirling the straw in her G&T.
Edith sighed “I know what you mean Glinda. I’m comfortable enough now with Harold’s pension, but I feel lost now I don’t get to use the wand as much.” She lowered her voice “You know sometimes I turn the odd person into a dog or something for old times sake. I turn them back right away of course, but it just makes me feel like a young fairy again!”
“You don’t!” Exclaimed Glinda “I did the same thing last week! Except I’d was out on Linda’s hen night and had too many daiquiris!”
The pair of them giggled to themselves like a couple of schoolchildren.
Murph and Khalil had finally decided to give it a rest and joined the conversation again. Murph was nearly at the bottom of his first pint and almost four sheets to the wind.
“Well wait till I tell ya! I heard a lovely bit of gossip today!”
“Really Murph? The last bit of lovely gossip you heard was a bad tip for the National that saw me losing twenty quid!” said Glinda
“No love, I know I talk some shite sometimes but I swear on me granny’s grave this is a good one! I heard from One Legged Seamus that people are starting to believe in the old magic again.”
“No, no, no” said Khalil shaking his head “This is going to be like the time when you told us about that Ursula seawitch lady, and poor Edith lost her voice for two months! Don’t listen to him, it is another hairblamed idea”
“Hairbrained, for the love of all that’s holy if you’re going to be cutting me short could you use the right words at least?” Murph slurred drunkenly.
Khalil thanked his lucky stars he was unable to imbibe alcohol, or much else for that matter. A lack of thirst, hunger or exhaustion were some of the few benefits of being a spirit condemned to an existence of altruism. He never wanted to look as bad as the green dwarf mumbling into his pint glass before him.
“No, no, I swear to ye, it’s the real deal this time, magic is making a comeback and soon we’ll all be getting a one way ticket out of this rotten hole. I’ll finally be able to drop Billy’s glass eye down the bleeding plug hole…horrible bloody thing….” as usual he was fading fast.
“Well what is this big change Murph? Tell us!” Edith gave him a shake, they needed to know before he finally passed out
“Some young fella….Hoppy Dobber….Hoopy Pooper? Oh no, I know…..Harry Potter!”
And with that he slid off the bench and landed with a small thump on the grimy floor below.