Word Prompt: Forest

It’s Friiiday night! I’m still hanging out with my buddy Lance who I might add is the size of a Shetland pony.

Me and my duckling brought him for a little saunter and I feared he would spot a pigeon because she would have been flying after him like a paper bag caught in an updraft!

There have been a few questions such as “could he carry me on his back?” so I’m keeping a close eye in case she sticks a saddle on him when my back’s turned…

David Attenborough: “Deep in the tropical forests of Belfast, we observe a fine specimen in his natural habitat…”

Word Prompt: Forest

Word Prompt: Rebel

Ways to rebel:

Rebel against convention

Rebel against poverty

“Stranger gives homeless man clothes on subway”

Rebel against your peers

“Girl opts for hot dog costume on princess day”

Rebel against your bra

Rebel against diets

Rebel against racism

“Stand Up To Racism March – Barnsley”

Rebel against sexism

“Suffragettes March in Nunney – 1914”

“Fathers 4 Justice March 2014”

Rebel against failure

“Hyvon Ngetich crawls to finish line in the Austin marathon”

Rebel against war

“Vietnam war protests, Philadelphia”

Rebel against illness

Rebel against homophobia

Gay Pride – London

“Christians apologise at gay pride Chicago”

Rebel against old age

“Min Bahadur Serchan, 85, climbs Everest”

Rebel against Rebel

Word Prompt: Rebel

Word Prompt: Laughter

Who doesn’t love a giggle? Be it a light titter or a guffaw that sends your cappuccino blasting over your fellow coffee shop patrons, sure it keeps you young.

I’ve an odd oul sense of humour. My liking someone is in direct correlation to how strange a character they are. I can always spot one of my own kind. If you’re twisted – you’re in the club.

Most of all it’s important to laugh at yourself. Life’s too short to be taking yourself too seriously, and sure we’re all headed the one way anyway so you might as well enjoy yourself while you’re here.

Bearing that in mind, I like laughing at myself when I think about this….

I was never one for the drug scene. I’m enough of a eejit after a night on the sauce, so I thought I’d do humanity a favour and stay away from the hard stuff.

In fact I’m very anti-drug, but I’ve tried it a couple of times over the years to try and keep up with the cool kids. I’m happy to report I’m not very cool.

Once a school friend of mine managed to get a hold of a drop of weed. Well sure we didn’t know what the hell to do with it. I couldn’t roll a joint if I had a roll of cellotape, 2 toilet roll tubes and a Blue Peter presenter to supervise.

After 20 minutes of surmising and pretending to her mother we were revising or doing the rosary we had the grand idea we’d stir it into some yoghurt and eat it.

So there we were getting our daily calcium intake and we waited….nothing.

“Will we do another bit?”

“Aye sure why not, go ahead”

Still nothing.

“Are we doing it wrong”

“Jesus I dunno, maybe we didn’t do enough”

It was then we decided to stick the last of it onto some cheese on toast (we ate all the yoghurts). And waited again. Still nothing.

We brought it to the dark side..

At this stage I was bored out of my tree, said my goodbyes and headed home.

On the way my head started to get a bit fuzzy but I put it down to the fact that I’d just consumed enough dairy products to keep Ben and Jerry in business for 6 months.

I got in and there was my mummy bear on the settee.

“How was your night?”

“Alright, nothing exciting. I’ll watch a bit of telly and head up”

So there we sat in front of the box when my foray into the drug world started to kick in. I was freaking out. But I kept my cool and stared at the telly making light chit chat with my mum.

It was at this stage she turned and said:

“Did you take anything tonight?”

*alarm bells* but I was holding my own, watching the telly, no eye contact…I effing had this.

“No sure I said, why do you ask?”

“Cos that TV has been off since you sat down 2 hours ago”

Needless to say she ran me up the stairs so fast my feet didn’t touch the ground. I spent the night sweating my way round the bed watching pink elephants on the ceiling and sure did I get an ounce of sympathy? Nope. (not that I blame her, if my daughter came in whacked out of her head I’d do worse)

“It’s self inflicted and if you touch that shite again I’ll make you eat 4 pound of it”

I believed her.

Don’t forget – drugs are for mugs! Happy hump day!!

Word Prompt: Laughter

Word Prompt: Flaunt

It’s bank holiday Monday here in Belfast and the day of the Belfast Marathon!

A few of my buddies and I gathered to support our friend who was running in aid of Aware NI – the depression charity for Northern Ireland.

I’d like to flaunt my mate’s incredible achievement! He ran 26.2 miles with no training! Although he says he’ll never do it again, he did a fecking amazing job!!

My bestest poochie pal – Lancelot

Word Prompt: Flaunt

Word Prompt: Mentor

Oh lord does WordPress like to throw a curve ball or what? Mentor??

This is the 5th day of my little challenge to respond to the word prompts every day throughout May (currently asking myself what the eff was I thinking?!)

The Wonderful And Wacky World Of One Single Mom has kindly joined me on my wee mission!

I don’t recall ever having a mentor. My mum always just let me choose my own path and dished out advice and support when I asked for it.

I began living on my own when I was 17 and have been standing on my own feet ever since.

I briefly went back to my mum’s once or twice over the years but the pair of us are very independent women. When we spend too much time in confined quarters it’s like a re-enactment of the Hindenburg Disaster.

A couple of days ago I was carrying out the ungodly task of unblocking our shower drain. My life is just an endless golden road paved with glamour and luxury!

My baby bird said to me “mummy you know how to do lots of stuff, do you think I’ll know how to do all that when I’m a big girl?”

“Of course baby it’s my job to show you how do do things and look after yourself”

“Or maybe when I’m a big girl and I need something you could just do it for me….”

“Nope, sorry honey it doesn’t work that way. You have to learn for yourself”

Since I’m now a mentor for my wee duckling I hope she grows up to be self sufficient like me. Although at the same time I hope she never needs to be too self sufficient because she’ll always have people who love her to lend a hand.

I learned how to look after myself because I had to but honestly it was the makings of me.

Being able to unblock a stinky drain, budget money, rewire plugs, stand up for herself, bleed a radiator, tune a TV, paint a bedroom, negotiate a wage, demand a refund, move house, use a needle and thread, travel alone and assemble furniture are all things that I really want my daughter to learn.

Has any relationship survived ‘the assemblage of the Ikea furniture’?

Education is massive (obviously), but there’s so many other life skills to acquire. I want her to know in her heart that she has the resources to deal with life. She can do it, she has everything she needs built right in.

And should a problem arise (and it will) I hope she doesn’t fall apart, I’d love if she dug deep and relied on her own good self first and others second. She has a good head and good heart so nothing can stand in her way.

I like to think I went through some crappy times so I was better equipped to help my wee pumpkin through life. I’m an inadvertent mentor to the most fabulous person I ever met in my life!

Happy Saturday whatever you get up to x

Word Prompt: Mentor

Word Prompt: Tide

Well. Me and the Voice who lives in my head debated sharing this story since I’m still rubbing salve into the mental scarring it left in its wake.

Eventually we did rock, paper, scissors and he won. Oh well – at least it’ll give you a good laugh at my expense to set you up for the weekend!

Before I lived in Spain I went for a weeks holiday to visit my sister and her friends who had already flown the coop.

At some stage during the week someone suggested banana-boating and obviously I was still caught in a vodka haze from the night before because like a complete-fupping-idiot I thought it was a grand idea.

Let me paint a little picture of me at that time: in my early twenties I didn’t have a lot of confidence. I was comfy enough with people I knew, but if I was on a night out I wouldn’t have struck up conversation with someone new or anything.

I was also quite a bit heavier and had zero body confidence. So while my sister and her mates sported legs up to their eyeballs and tops that barely went round my thigh, I was always happy in jeans and a t-shirt, hugging a pint in the corner, minding my own. Suited me down to the ground.

But fair play to them, they always gave me compliments and made me feel like part of the gang.

Back to the bloody banana boat.

Just pi*s off

There we were on the harbour, the girls in their string bikinis with lovely tanned skin. Me feeling like an anemic Aberdeen Angus in a sensible black one piece that was so naff my Granny wouldn’t have worn it. (whoever was responsible for knowingly selling that hideous thing to a 24 year old should be plunged into a bath of wet tripe)

Off we went. *shakes head despairingly* 2 seconds in, I knew I was gonna fall off the thing. There wasn’t a hope my bingo wings were gonna hold out. Since I already felt like a complete tit I thought f*ck it, at least I can hide my stretchmarks in the water…so a quick splash later, I gave up the ghost.

The girls finished and a little Spanish guy in a motor boat swung back pick me up. Except. he. didn’t. have. the. strength. to. get. me. on. the. boat. *pauses to give you a chance to pull yourself together after laughing your head off*

He spent a good five minute tugging at the bust and backside area of my swimsuit. (Which was, by the way totally unnecessary, the man was just an opportunist)

To make matters worse he kept shouting “push! harder! higher!” with a very sweaty red face, while I was saying “I’m trying! I’m trying!”. The whole scene was like some ocean fetish low budget porno movie except no one was having any fun.

Eventually he conceded “miss you are too big, I need friend” – no shit Sherlock! I’m already at the peak of humiliation, why not invite a few buddies to the party!

So he left me bobbing away like an utter lemon (I looked like one too in the frigging life jacket). He took a little while, I think they were drawing short straws as to who was going to fish the spud-loving hefty lady out of the water.

I had to start paddling too because I feared I would be swept away by the tide while my rescuer was trying to source the strongest man on the island.

Meanwhile on the harbour my sister was peeing herself laughing in her usual supportive way and to my complete delight a lovely crowd had gathered to enjoy the show. I would have took the jacket off and sunk to the bottom except the little boat returned in the nick of time with reinforcements.

The two men then proceeded to grab one cheek each of the backside of my suit and hoisted me with all their strength onto the boat – giving me an atomic wedgie so extreme that I practically tasted the Lycra.

As we approached the little harbour and I was contemplating sticking my face into the boat’s propellor in shame – the (now larger) crowd all begin cheering and clapping on my behalf!

Not only that, after the experience while the girls were trying to reassure me it wasn’t that bad (it f*cking was!) I completely scorched every piece of lily-white flesh that wasn’t covered by my gruesome swimwear…I couldn’t sit or lie for the rest of the week. So I just got drunk instead.

Literally, the most embarrassing experience of my entire life.

And I got to pay for it.

Scene of the crime

Oh well, I can’t die of embarrassment. (unfortunately) Happy Friday! Hope it’s a cracker! X

Word Prompt: Tide

Word Prompt: Observe

It’s day 3 of my little self-nominated challenge to respond to the word prompts every day for the month of May!

So far I’ve also recruited The Wonderful And Wacky World Of One Single Mom. If anyone else fancies joining in, send me a wee pingback!

Misunderstood

I’m crouching in the bushes

‘Cross the road from your front door

I’ve been hiding here since midnight

And now it’s ten to four.


You didn’t see me outside work

I snuck a photograph

I was peeping through two eyeholes

I’d cut in the Telegraph.


Did you know the heavy breather

Who called you on the phone?

Yes it was me! But you seemed

Frightened – what was wrong?


In my bag I’ve got my kit:

Night goggles for the dark,

A book that I pretend to read

While watching in the park.

Binoculars and fake moustache

In case I’m recognised.

A pad to log your movements,

A scrapbook of you and I.


Did you see me in the barbers?

While you got a trim I waited

Then nabbed a lock of your red hair

And had it laminated.


Wait! I heard a door slam

I pull my mac up round my ears

Is that a cop car that I see?

Does someone know I’m here?


“Officer, I’m very sorry,

I swear I wasn’t perving…

I promise I’m not stalking him!

I’m merely just observing….”

Word Prompt: Observe

Disclaimer: Before anyone picks up the phone to tip off the authorities that there’s a weirdo on the loose, hand on heart I have never. Stalked. Anyone. Except that one time a while ago….but they never found out so that doesn’t really count does it?…

Word Prompt: Abrupt

I have set myself the challenge of responding to the word prompts every day for the month of May. (Although I have a sneaking suspicion I’ll be eating my words come this day next week!)

Anyone want to join me in my little task? Anyone? Anyone?? *pin drops with a clattering roar*


Manners don’t cost nothing

It’s a cinch to be polite.

There’s no need for abruptness

Or to say things out of spite.

But if you are a meanie

And insist on being rude

Then I hope a massive seagull spreads its wings and plops on you.

Word Prompt: Abrupt

Word Prompt: Sleeve

Walls Have Ears

Perhaps…

When you tuck up for the night

Goblins listen out of sight

Waiting at the end of day

To hear you cry out in dismay:


“Oh woe and blast! How hard it be,

To trudge my way and to be me!

Life’s not so bad, but how I wish

I could be served another dish!”


An ancient whisper: “Pardon us?”

Was that a creak? Or outside gust?

Have your senses left your head?

You could’ve sworn someone said…


Gasp! There here it is again!


“Pardon us, we did not hear

Kindly forgive our failing ears

We thought we heard you’re discontent

Please good friend, with your consent

We can satisfy your whims

And remedy your life so grim!”


You ask the darkness “Who be you?

Am I unhinged or be this true?”


“We be creatures of the night

Who wish to help you with your plight

There be no catch, so have no fear

Just state your wish and state it clear”


Hmm you think, I’m no dumb fool

This deal seems too good to be true

But the fates won’t shake me twice

To hell with it! You roll the dice…


“I’ll play along if you insist”

(Truth be told you can’t resist)

I wish to be young once again!

Free from old age aches and pains”


The moment that the words are said

There’s no more voices neath the bed

Was it real or in your head?

And why’s your stomach filled with dread?

And so you try your best to sleep

And pray the Lord your soul to keep…


Perhaps then when you rise again

You’re free from all those aches and pains

A baby in their mums embrace

With no wrinkles on your face.

Perhaps inside you’re still the same

Forced to do it all again

Trapped inside a pudgy frame

Perhaps in fact, you’ll go insane.


The moral of my tale is this:

Be careful when you make a wish

If you keep moaning, something might

Step right in and change your life.

Life has great tricks up its sleeve

Even things you don’t believe…

And when you go to lay your head

Be sure to check under the bed.

Word Prompt: Sleeve