I have decided to start a small campaign! It shall be dubbed “How To Live The Procrastinator Way”. I just feel there’s not enough ‘doing nothing’ going on.
Every day I see people out there, forwarding their lives and achieving things *shudders* and quite frankly it makes me sick to my stomach…these animals must be stopped! So am here today with my soap box to promote my way of living!
The life of a professional Procrastinator is a fabulous one. On this side of the lake, the grass is greener, unicorns burp rainbows and hippos serenade the locals with cover versions of 90s rock classics.
You though I was joking, didn’t you?
If you’d like to embrace this exciting lifestyle then stick on your espadrilles and wobble on over to:
The Irish Procrastinator’s List Of How To Live The Procrastinator Way:
1. Thou shalt not do today what can be put off until tomorrow.
The first thing to go should always always be housework. I would sooner have my head put in a vice and beaten with an 8 pound trout than do housework when I’m not in the mood.
More favourable than doing the dishes.
Think about it this way: if you drop a bowl of custard on the floor, it isn’t gonna fall any further – it can wait a while. Don’t feel bad as you put the blinkers on and dance over it for a fortnight – you’re living life a new way! Have a KitKat instead.
There are tons of things in this life that can wait! If something seems too boring, tiresome or *gulps* grown up, I like to go right on ahead and reschedule.
A good Procrastinator can trick a common layman into rescheduling so many times that before he knows it, he can’t make the appointment because he’s too busy getting fitted for a Zimmer frame.
Always replace the abandoned ‘thing’ with something better. A trip to the beach, buy that coat you can’t afford, hide from the kids in the garden shed and watch the footie on your phone – you’re worth it!
2. When tomorrow comes – though shalt go back to rule one.
Good old fashioned repetition my friend…it’s the only way to learn. Go back to that appointment and put it off again. Then put your best duds on and take yourself to that Italian restaurant you’ve been dying to try. On the way home, pop into Waterstones and get yourself a couple of new reads.
It is important though that you don’t completely take the piss.
Sublist Of Things You Probably Shouldn’t Ignore:
- Don’t leave that custard too long. Long enough to get away with but not so long that your house becomes a biological hazard. Also, if there’s kiddies in the house, you should probably clean it right away. We don’t want any little ‘uns breaking a leg after skidding on an unmanned custard puddle.
- It’s all well and good to take the odd sickie off work but booking yourself on a 3 month soul-searching holiday to Thailand with no notice is never a good idea. Bills must be paid after all! Instead, read WordPress a bit more when the boss takes her smoke break and sneak an extra 10 minutes for lunch.
- If you do decide on the Thailand thing and wake after a night out to find yourself cuffed to the bed with a masculine woman called Shelia rubbing her moustache against your ear, you’ve gone too far. This is not Procrastination, you have abandoned all respectable ways of living and need to get a flight home – stat!
- If you find yourself in the dock, defending yourself in front of a jury of your peers – this is also not the time for Procrastination. If you were daft enough to get caught in the first place you should probably start taking notes as well.
- Anything to do with health should also not be ignored. If your leg falls off while you’re doing the breast stroke in your local baths, don’t leave it there. Or try to staple it back on. Alert the lifeguard.
3. Thou shalt complete the ProcrastinatorWorkout. (God how I love a sublist – they make me giddy!)
- Have a glass of wine.
- Have another glass of wine.
- Ponder about how happy you are now you’ve abandoned all the things that make your backside clench with irritation.
- Think of all the lovely things you can pursue now you’re not going to do any more stuff that annoys you. Finally whittle that spoon. Enroll in the sock folding championships. Get that Pac-Man machine you always wanted and play it while wearing nothing but a fez. The world is now your oyster!
- Have another glass of wine. And a bowl of carbonara big enough to hold a team of synchronised swimmers.
4. Thou shalt not take life too seriously.
Since Procrastinators don’t really contribute to society in the traditional sense, we must find other ways to make ourselves useful. This is not possible if you’re a serious sort.
It’s up to us to amuse others by making complete idiots of ourselves. It’s a heavy cross, but one we have to bear. Classic example: while out at the weekend, I leaned against a curtain I thought was a wall. I have also walked into glass doors, slipped on raw sewage and skidded the full length of Superdrug after standing on a stray lipstick tube. Shortly after Christmas while carrying my daughters wooden kitchen I fell the full length of the stairs and landed with my foot through the oven door.
It’s a dirty job, but us Procrastinators are the best ones for it. The more slapstick, the better.
Me on a Tuesday morning.
5. Thou must reinforce.
The path of a Procrastinator is a tough one. It’s not easy filling your days with very little…but! How do you get to Carnegie Hall? Practice, practice, practice.
It’s easy to slip and find yourself being constructive again, so I have provided a few things you can do to stop yourself.
- Ponder. A LOT. Don’t go out and do things, jut sit and muse about what they might be like while watching the Big Bang Theory and eating a Mars Bar.
- Daydream. One of my faves. My fella text a while ago to see how my day was going, I replied: I’m musing that if I was a giant and skimmed a chicken like a stone across the water, could I do I hard enough so the chicken would eventually hit me on the back of the head?
- Book an appointment then call back immediately and reschedule, just to keep you on the straight and narrow.
- Go to the park and spend a bit of time on the swings. Guaranteed to make you feel like a child in 20 seconds. You’ll soon forget about your desire to be a grown up.
- Think about The Procrastinators Headscratcher. How do you know you have become a Procrastinator? If you’ve been following steps one and two, you shouldn’t be able to complete the rest. But you’re not fully qualified until you finish the whole course. This should bamboozle you sufficiently enough to waste an afternoon at least.
Well my my! That was a rather hefty post. After all that list-making I’ve got that Friday feeling tingling all over me!
Hope you’re all having a great start to the weekend…now go spread the word about the Procrastinator way!