The Procrastinator Way List

I have decided to start a small campaign! It shall be dubbed “How To Live The Procrastinator Way”. I just feel there’s not enough ‘doing nothing’ going on.

Every day I see people out there, forwarding their lives and achieving things *shudders* and quite frankly it makes me sick to my stomach…these animals must be stopped! So am here today with my soap box to promote my way of living!

The life of a professional Procrastinator is a fabulous one. On this side of the lake, the grass is greener, unicorns burp rainbows and hippos serenade the locals with cover versions of 90s rock classics.

You though I was joking, didn’t you?

If you’d like to embrace this exciting lifestyle then stick on your espadrilles and wobble on over to:

The Irish Procrastinator’s List Of How To Live The Procrastinator Way:

1. Thou shalt not do today what can be put off until tomorrow.

The first thing to go should always always be housework. I would sooner have my head put in a vice and beaten with an 8 pound trout than do housework when I’m not in the mood.

More favourable than doing the dishes.

Think about it this way: if you drop a bowl of custard on the floor, it isn’t gonna fall any further – it can wait a while. Don’t feel bad as you put the blinkers on and dance over it for a fortnight – you’re living life a new way! Have a KitKat instead.

There are tons of things in this life that can wait! If something seems too boring, tiresome or *gulps* grown up, I like to go right on ahead and reschedule.

A good Procrastinator can trick a common layman into rescheduling so many times that before he knows it, he can’t make the appointment because he’s too busy getting fitted for a Zimmer frame.

Always replace the abandoned ‘thing’ with something better. A trip to the beach, buy that coat you can’t afford, hide from the kids in the garden shed and watch the footie on your phone – you’re worth it!

2. When tomorrow comes – though shalt go back to rule one.

Good old fashioned repetition my friend…it’s the only way to learn. Go back to that appointment and put it off again. Then put your best duds on and take yourself to that Italian restaurant you’ve been dying to try. On the way home, pop into Waterstones and get yourself a couple of new reads.

It is important though that you don’t completely take the piss.

Sublist Of Things You Probably Shouldn’t Ignore:

  1. Don’t leave that custard too long. Long enough to get away with but not so long that your house becomes a biological hazard. Also, if there’s kiddies in the house, you should probably clean it right away. We don’t want any little ‘uns breaking a leg after skidding on an unmanned custard puddle.
  2. It’s all well and good to take the odd sickie off work but booking yourself on a 3 month soul-searching holiday to Thailand with no notice is never a good idea. Bills must be paid after all! Instead, read WordPress a bit more when the boss takes her smoke break and sneak an extra 10 minutes for lunch.
  3. If you do decide on the Thailand thing and wake after a night out to find yourself cuffed to the bed with a masculine woman called Shelia rubbing her moustache against your ear, you’ve gone too far. This is not Procrastination, you have abandoned all respectable ways of living and need to get a flight home – stat!
  4. If you find yourself in the dock, defending yourself in front of a jury of your peers – this is also not the time for Procrastination. If you were daft enough to get caught in the first place you should probably start taking notes as well.
  5. Anything to do with health should also not be ignored. If your leg falls off while you’re doing the breast stroke in your local baths, don’t leave it there. Or try to staple it back on. Alert the lifeguard.

3. Thou shalt complete the ProcrastinatorWorkout. (God how I love a sublist – they make me giddy!)

  1. Have a glass of wine.
  2. Have another glass of wine.
  3. Ponder about how happy you are now you’ve abandoned all the things that make your backside clench with irritation.
  4. Think of all the lovely things you can pursue now you’re not going to do any more stuff that annoys you. Finally whittle that spoon. Enroll in the sock folding championships. Get that Pac-Man machine you always wanted and play it while wearing nothing but a fez. The world is now your oyster!
  5. Have another glass of wine. And a bowl of carbonara big enough to hold a team of synchronised swimmers.

4. Thou shalt not take life too seriously.

Since Procrastinators don’t really contribute to society in the traditional sense, we must find other ways to make ourselves useful. This is not possible if you’re a serious sort.

It’s up to us to amuse others by making complete idiots of ourselves. It’s a heavy cross, but one we have to bear. Classic example: while out at the weekend, I leaned against a curtain I thought was a wall. I have also walked into glass doors, slipped on raw sewage and skidded the full length of Superdrug after standing on a stray lipstick tube. Shortly after Christmas while carrying my daughters wooden kitchen I fell the full length of the stairs and landed with my foot through the oven door.

It’s a dirty job, but us Procrastinators are the best ones for it. The more slapstick, the better.

Me on a Tuesday morning.

5. Thou must reinforce.

The path of a Procrastinator is a tough one. It’s not easy filling your days with very little…but! How do you get to Carnegie Hall? Practice, practice, practice.

It’s easy to slip and find yourself being constructive again, so I have provided a few things you can do to stop yourself.

  1. Ponder. A LOT. Don’t go out and do things, jut sit and muse about what they might be like while watching the Big Bang Theory and eating a Mars Bar.
  2. Daydream. One of my faves. My fella text a while ago to see how my day was going, I replied: I’m musing that if I was a giant and skimmed a chicken like a stone across the water, could I do I hard enough so the chicken would eventually hit me on the back of the head?
  3. Book an appointment then call back immediately and reschedule, just to keep you on the straight and narrow.
  4. Go to the park and spend a bit of time on the swings. Guaranteed to make you feel like a child in 20 seconds. You’ll soon forget about your desire to be a grown up.
  5. Think about The Procrastinators Headscratcher. How do you know you have become a Procrastinator? If you’ve been following steps one and two, you shouldn’t be able to complete the rest. But you’re not fully qualified until you finish the whole course. This should bamboozle you sufficiently enough to waste an afternoon at least.

Well my my! That was a rather hefty post. After all that list-making I’ve got that Friday feeling tingling all over me!

Hope you’re all having a great start to the weekend…now go spread the word about the Procrastinator way!

The Shopping List

One minute!

*Hang-glides from a great height then does massive Action Man-type commando roll followed by three back-flips and the splits*

Ta da!!! It’s a shame I can’t post videos, you would have liked that dismount!

Happy Humpday to you all! I like to go do my weekly shop on a Wednesday though I’m mighty cosy on the couch today and don’t really wanna move. I went to make a cuppa a while ago and the fridge grabbed me by the ankle and said “Feed me Seymour!” like Audrey II so I’d better get my backside in gear before it eats me.

A true representation of my fridge today.

While Procrastinating the day away, sure didn’t I remember I made this wee list a while ago so it seems like the perfect opportunity to share it!

The Irish Procrastinator’s List Of Food/Supermarket-Related Things That Get Right Up My Nose: (Keeping it to just 5 required superhuman effort, the list could stretch from here to Waterford).

1. Trolly nudgers. So you’re standing at the till in the supermarket, surrounded by 34 hectares of space when suddenly a lady appears and is convinced that if she pushes her trolly enough times against your Achilles heel, you will spontaneously combust and she’ll be next in the queue.

It never seems to be a bloke, cos blokes walk in, buy what they need, then leave. One roll on and a pack of toilet roll. 2 single man dinners and a value pack of socks. Any single blokes I know don’t ‘stock up’ like women do so they have no need for a trolly. No, for me anyway, it’s always his missus that’s doing the nudgin’. Although I have been keeping a spreadsheet of trolly nudging activities and I’ve noticed that the numbers in the mature-gentlemen category seem to be growing. Obviously someone started a rumour and now they’re all jumping on the bandwagon.

Well I’m here today to tell you Miriam…that trolly nudging ain’t gonna fly with me anymore!! I have reached my utter limit! Next time you try to flatten me with ‘the big shop’ I’m gonna climb right on in there and roll about until I have flattened next weeks dinners to a crepe-like thickness!! Enough is enough!! Unless it’s Christmas Panic Buying season, keep your distance woman!!

2. Pulled pork. *casts eyes wearily to the heavens* Pulled. Pork. I must have had my back turned the day that became a ‘thing’. I tell you if I had gotten wind of it, I would have punctured the tyres of the delivery truck bringing the nuisance slop to the shelves before it had a chance to leave the depot.

It’s everywhere!! Pulled pork sandwiches, pulled pork pizza, pulled pork flavoured bran flakes. Every time someone starts singing it’s praises I feel myself teetering on the edge.

The day I meet the flat-capped toting, braces-wearing hipster responsible for pulled pork I’m gonna look him straight in his non-prescription glasses and have some very strong words with him.

I went to an outdoor event last year and had a whole chip-van-greasy-burger scenario happy bubbling in my head all day. But no. What was available? Pulled pork and apple sauce in a little sad soggy bun that insisted on adhering itself so strongly to my gullet on the way down, I almost found myself in a Heimlich situation. I’m pretty confident the vendor picked his ingredients up straight from the tannery before he started his shift. It seems to be if you just drag your fingernails through a slice of streaky bacon it can be stamped as “pulled pork”.

Just face it world, the only people who can do pulled pork are the Americans, so just go right on ahead and brush that idea straight under the carpet and we’ll say no more about it.

Oh Lord why must you test my patience?

3. Cauliflower rice. *world-weary sigh* Deep in the bowels of “Worldwide Cauliflower Marketing” some young executive was obviously sitting twiddling his thumbs one slack Friday morning. Between playing solitaire and perusing Facebook when the boss’s back was turned, he dreamed up cauliflower rice to give him and Jimmy in the next cubicle a bit of a laugh during their lunch hour.

He must have accidentally copied in the boss when emailing Jimmy his ridiculous invention because that is the only sane reason I can think of to explain why cauliflower rice keeps looking at me every time I’m buying my weekly supply of spinach (4 bags. I kid you not).

What was wrong with cauliflower? Or rice for that matter? They were both bumbling along, pleasing the masses and needed zero adjustment. No ones gonna head to the Chinese on a Friday night and say “hey I’ll have a chicken curry and chips. Oh and throw some of that cauliflower rice on the side – we’re having a wild one tonight!”

Unless its supposed to trick kids into getting their 5-a-day or something? My girl may still be learning to look both ways across the road but I can assure you her tastebuds are in tip top condition. If I served her up a plate of chicken and cauliflower rice she’d spray it back at me so quickly I’d be picking the stuff out of my ears for weeks.

Hey cauliflower rice pedlars – cease and desist! That stuff is soon gonna be forgotten just like the Tamagotchi, platform boots and John Travolta’s natural hairline.

4. Staff who treat you like you’re wearing Harry Potter’s cloak of invisibility. So after Miriam has successfully cracked your ankle bone and used your posterior as a parking space all you want to do is pay for your pulled pork probiotic yoghurts and get the hell out of dodge, right? Haha, well my friend, you would be wrong. Oh so very wrong.

You ain’t leaving that store until you spend a good 7 minutes at the tills listening to Louise and Brenda at the next register give a blow by blow account of every little thing they’ve eaten since the dawn of time.

You can cough, you can move foot to foot, you can hijack a passing fire engine and issue a 5 alarm warning in the canned goods aisle….but trust me: you are going nowhere until Louise is good and ready.

Their skills at completely blanking out the desperate customer are quite simply, remarkable. Should one of these customer service providers ever find themselves kidnapped by a rival store and subjected to torture and questioning, their employers can rest easy. No amounts of nail-pulling or water torture can encourage these ladies to flinch.

Get comfy – you’ll be there a while.

5. Food chuckers. Now I’m not too proud a woman to admit I love the reduced section.

When they bring out that pricing gun I’m up there with the blue rinse brigade, throwing a few elbows to get my grubby hands on a quinoa and beetroot pizza for 4p with an 88 second use-by date. (Why? I think it’s the thrill of the chase, I like to mix up my day a little bit. Most of it spends 2 months in the freezer before I wing it into the bin with a what the hell…? expression on my face).

Anywho, there are always these folk who pick up an item, look at it with utter disdain then get their best shot-putting arm at the ready and slam it back onto the shelf. Chucking it isn’t enough, they’re not satisfied until the shelf is splattered with 4 kilo of soup veg that’s on its way out. To complete their Oscar-worthy performance they then like to then tut and stomp away.

Why?! If you are so disgusted by us lowly bargain hunters, just leave us to our penny-pinching ways and stroll on. I assure you, completely obliterating the reduced shelf will not deter us, it only fuels the fire of our determination! Go find a small hamster and chuck it at a wall instead if you must get something off your chest. Leave our mint-flavoured cheese slices alone!

Pretty sure I’m in here somewhere….

Well that was very therapeutic! I feel mentally fortified enough to tackle my shopping list (eggs at the top of course! God forbid if I ever ran out you’d find me on the kitchen floor rocking back and forth to myself!).

Ankle pads – check!

Loudspeaker for tills – check!

Blinkers for the PP (I can’t even say it anymore) section – check!

Elbow warm up completed for knocking fellow shoppers out of the way – check!

Wish me luck!

The Grumblers List

I read a great post by The Jess this morning about toxic relationships, she’s a very wise woman is that one. I think we share a similar point of view on the subject. Some people are truly a drag and an emotional drain. Sometimes the only thing to do is to cut the rope and let that particular anchor just sink.

With that in mind, I thought it was about time I shared one of my biggest character flaws (if you already know me, you might as well do something better with your time cos I’m just preaching to the choir).

Although I try my very bestest to stay upbeat, look on the bright side and be kind to my fellow human, I am an absolute, self confessed Grumbler.

I love a good old moan, and when I’m behind the safety of my own front door I like to add a bit of volume to the mix for good measure (I’m not one of those shrieking women, I’m a roarer. For some reason God blessed me with the vocal chords of a rugby player. I assume he just wanted to amuse himself) – I figure, in for a penny in for a pound.

When I have taken agin something (usually something completely random….hey I’m not driving, that’s the Brain’s department), I am not satisfied until I’ve clocked up a few good miles on the Bellyache-ometer.

My daughter doesn’t even flinch when her ‘oul ma starts spouting off. As long as she’s satisfied it’s nothing to to with her she pretty much ignores me and leaves me to ranty devices.

Trust me, I used to be a lot worse. Nowadays, it’s mostly trivial objects or situations that find themselves to be the subject of my grouching. Why is the cellotape not sticky enough? I knocked over the bloody plant again (why would I move it? Then I couldn’t indulge in my favourite hobby!), who put the bed right in front of the plug socket?? (Me! I did it!). But have no doubt, the world in general provides me with a whole array of lovely delights to get right up my nose.

So with that said, hop on your unicycle and join me at:

The Irish Procrastinator’s List Of: How Grumbling Will Enrich Your Life

1. It’s good for your head. We keep hearing that bottling things up is detrimental for our health. Grumbling will open the Pandora’s Box that is your bad mood and give the yukky thoughts a chance to escape into the world. Where they land? Well haha that’s not really our problem now is it?

Another fellow Grumbler.

2. You won’t have to be resourceful anymore. As a Grumbling Gold Medalist, I can tell you it’s very liberating to just complain about your problems instead of actually trying to find solutions for them. I have spent many a happy afternoon with a cuppa and the feet up, secure with the knowledge that my position in life is most definitely someone else’s fault and the world ‘owes me one’. It’s great sleeping soundly every night with the surety that Life will knock the door one day and serve my dreams to me on a velvet cushion – without me even having to lift a finger!

3. You’ll save money. After unloading your hate-the-world attitude on close family and friends*, you are guaranteed to find yourself on your tod when the weekend hits. While all those other poor saps are off busting a few moves on the dance floor on a Saturday night, you’ll be happily gloating to yourself while filling up your piggybank with all those saved pennies. (*Don’t feel you have to restrict yourself to these two categories. Co-workers, milkmen, your child’s teacher and pretty much anyone this side of the equator all make excellent targets for your negativity rocket launchers).

You’ll finally be able to able to afford that weekend away to Gloomsville!

4. You’ll have lots of time to pursue other interests. After your last chum has finally run out of earplugs and dashed out of your life without so much as a backward glance, you’ll find a lot of free space on your social calendar. Now, as a fledgling Grumbler, you may be tempted to offer an olive branch to those people that are sick of the sound of your voice, but don’t! That’s a rookie mistake. Continue to spread your miserable attitude around like an unwanted fart and use the free hours to think of new moaning material instead! We don’t want any group activities to get in the way of our new favourite pastime now, do we?

An image of your new social life mere days after you embark on this wonderful journey!

5. Its character building. After you’ve successfully ruined your life with your pessimistic outlook and lack of acceptance towards your fellow man, you’ll find yourself spending many hours in the foetal position, crying on the bathroom floor. Don’t mistake this for rock bottom though. It’s actually a good sign that you’re ready to face the world afresh through new, bitter, hard-hearted, cynical eyes. When you’re laughing with derision at a happy couple embracing at the bus stop, you can reassure yourself that: Ha! You know better.

If however, you choose to not obliterate all future chances of happiness and human interaction….you could direct your Cranky Pants Syndrome at:

  1. A post box.
  2. A Jack Russell (we all know how I feel about those).
  3. An old banana peel.
  4. A combine harvester.
  5. Or, last but not least, don’t be a Cranky Pants and just cheer the eff up. Life’s not so bad after all.

(Please take this post with a large pinch of salt – I’m not that grumbly….promise!)

Walk All Over Cancer update:

• Steps walked so far today: 18,248

• Steps walked so far this week: 73,863!

• Steps to walk by Wednesday: None! Yay!

• Today’s walking weather: I managed to avoid a downpour and got blue skies again! Lovely as a buttercup!

• Other information: I have woefully overestimated my fitness levels. Had to recruit the young ‘un to walk up and down my back for ten minutes – no joke.

View of the River Lagan.

Some lovely buttercups.

The Walking List

Earlier today I pondered going for a walk while making a shopping list as long as my arm – since because of the snow Old Mother Hubbard’s cupboards are bare – when the Voice who lives in my head said:

“Psst…hey you love walking, and you love making lists.”

Moi: *slow clap* “Well done Captain Obvious.”

Voice: “Fine then I’ll say no more.” *turns back to me*

Me: *rolls eyes* “Come on now, quit the drama…what’s the craic?”

Voice: “Why don’t you write a list about why you love walking?”

Moi: “Not a bad idea comrade, now for God’s sake keep it down or the neighbors will be onto us again!”

(If you now feel out of depth in my strange little world it may be time to deploy a man overboard situation because trust me I only get worse).

So here is the first of probably many lists I will bombard you poor people with:

The Irish Procrastinator’s List Of: Why Walking Is Amazing *party cannons are fired and the crowd goes wild*

1. It’s freeeeee! In many ways. Number one, it costs diddly-squat! No membership fees or monthly renewals. It’s also guilt free! No bad feelings when you see that £45 direct-debited from your account every month and you only went the three times. Not to mention stigma free, no judgemental eyes when you use the machine the wrong way or sighing instructor when you can’t do the downward dog (eff her anyway, a feed of spuds would do her the world of good).

2. It’s a great low impact way to lose weight and keep in shape. I see these programmes with these crazy machines and exercises telling you if you don’t work out 42 hours a day and eat nothing but chia seeds dipped in yaks milk you’ll gain weight faster than me heading to the egg shelf in Asda. Take it from me…it’s all crap. I used to be a much larger lady and let me tell you, I lost an awful lot of weight by pounding the pavements. Walking suits all shapes and sizes and you don’t need any special skills to do it.

3. You can do it anywhere! I would strongly endorse getting out there and saying hello to Mother Nature though. A walk in a nice park, beach or anywhere in nature puts all of us a in a good mood. Watching the birdies or smiling at a dog (I always forget to nod to the owners – they think I’m anti social in my local public gardens) gives you time to unwind and is good for keeping your head healthy.

Me and my Pumpkin Pie got sick of sitting in yesterday so stuck our hoods up and went for a walk in the rain. We were so delighted to see good old daffo-dill-ios putting up a fight, I had to take a photo.

4. You can wear whatever you want to do it! No need to truss yourself up head to toe in Lycra while spending the entire time waiting for your backside to explode out of its stretchy prison with volcanic force….oh sorry, that’s just me then?

Sublist of Possible Walking Attire

  1. A scuba suit.
  2. Your pyjamas.
  3. A fireman’s helmet and batman mask.
  4. The Indians costume from The Village People.
  5. Your birthday suit and a smile.

I wouldn’t recommend any of these though unless you want to be straitjacketed and hauled away before you’ve hit your 10,000 step target.

5. You don’t need any special equipment except your good self and maybe a bottle of water. Or straight whiskey….hey, I’m not one to judge if you like a wee nip to bolster yourself for the day. Also, if you’re gonna run with the scuba suit, you may want oxygen tanks to complete the ensemble.

Should your local fancy dress emporium be fresh out of Indian costumes, the Cowboy is another possibility.

Years ago there was an advertisement that ran in Northern Ireland to promote walking. It had this jingle that became an annoying earworm to anyone that made the fatal mistake of watching the awful thing. It was like watching the VHS from that movie, The Ring. If you have spare time on your hands and hate yourself I’ve included a handy link to said advertisement below.

Click here if you want to ruin the rest of your day.

I’m not kidding, I remember me and my friend obliviously singing it to each other in the pub during a lull in the conversation. I assume they stopped running it because some poor citizen finally cracked under the pressure, hunted down the sadistic animal who created it and bludgeoned him to death with the business end of a walking boot. But I guess we’ll never know…

Another reason I mention walking is because I’m taking part in the Walk All Over Cancer campaign in support of Cancer Research UK. The goal: to walk 70,000 steps a week for the month of March – woo hoo! Guess who’ll be showing those pre-Christmas jeans who’s boss on April fools? Haha jokes on you jeans, you’re back in circulation!

🎶go walking…that’s what to do….dammit!!!

Walk All Over Cancer update:

  • Steps walked so far today: 15,053
  • Steps walked so far this week: 40,690
  • Steps to walk by Wednesday: 29,310
  • Today’s walking weather: Wetter than a duck’s backside. Puddles, puddles, puddles.
  • Other information: Stepped on a sneaky bit of ice in the park this morning and fell on my bum into a lot of bird poo. To make matters worse a Jack Russell saw it and laughed at me. (Mental notes: add all short haired terriers to current hit list. Find out why Belfast’s bird population has such a high-fibre diet).

Puddle proof.

A duck’s backside.